Prior to making myself get to sleep, I thought it might be good try make an update on here. Again, I don’t really know what to say, but I’ll just start putting words down and see where it goes. Overall, this week feels as though it has held some positive progress, despite its predecessor’s ending note turning out a complete fuckmess. Sitting here, trying to rack my brain for any major catastrophes or catalysts feels more difficult than usual, which I think is a good sign. For the past month, depression and general lethargy — among other issues and setbacks — found my apartment looking like it rarely does. Typically, this place is so fucking spotless, were we not still winding down through this pandemic, I would say you could probably eat off the floors. While this can be an instigator to my OCD — not the OCD that non-sufferers like to casually claim to have, but the kind that can actually fuck my ability to just exist, and impedes normal functionality and fluid movement if not kept in check — living in such a chaotic atmosphere as it was becoming was starting to agitate my anxiety and lent a feeling of weight to my resting mood. Anyways, it was something that was long overdue and we finally got around to it. Our apartment is really nice, and while I’m excited at the prospect of moving into something more accommodating to two people, I plan and would like to enjoy what time we have in this unit.
Additionally, following a short hiatus, I reestablished my recovery treatment — another looming issue, which has had me feeling down in recent weeks. Feeling as though things have regained a kind of equilibrium, I’m eager to pick back up from where I had left off, only this time, with a better sense of what I’m supposed to be doing. If that comes off as vague, that’s at least somewhat intentional. Some things I just don’t want to put out there for the world to see, but I recently removed the password function from this journal/blog/whatever so I don’t know if I feel comfortable writing as freely as I otherwise might. Once I can figure out the proper code for augmenting the appearance of the password page’s typeface to match with the rest of the site, I’ll probably change it back. Anyways, this upcoming week is allegedly going to be really nice, weather-wise, which also should help with feeling more empowered to stay productive and enact some positive changes, both for myself and in helping Elle to do the same. Next on the list is getting myself back into therapy. For the time being, my general practitioner has prescribed a low dose of Wellbutrin, but I would like to be involved with something a bit more hands-on, in order that we can tailor and make necessary adjustments to my regimen, based on my needs — whatever we find out those may be. First, I need to actually start taking the medicine regularly. Whenever I first begin something like this, I’m always a bit apprehensive and nervous that it’s going to have some negative drawbacks, but if not for my own well-being, I feel like it might better equip me to be of the necessary mind to support Elle and get her feeling the way we both wish we could be. About a month and a half ago, we both looked into it at a clinic right up the street from our apartment, but it seems like they’re either grossly overextended, understaffed, or generally speaking, just don’t have their shit together. Not having our own shit together, whatever disheartenment we’d felt was enough to serve to put the endeavor on indefinite hold. There are a couple more places, which I’ve been meaning to get around to calling but as of yet, have not. This week, I would like to finally check this box and get things underway with this, for both myself and Elle — assuming this is still something she’s interested in participating in. Concurrent to this, couples counseling is something we’ve discussed looking into, so this would be an ideal opportunity for exploring those options.
It’s now the morning. I’ve gotta start getting ready for the day. Later this afternoon, I have an appointment to have some cavities filled, along with a deep cleaning — not sure whether they’ll get around to that part today, though I know that this procedure as a whole will be split across multiple visits. About two years ago, while living in NV with Elle, I some dental work done, which
left a pretty bad taste in my mouth was a pretty traumatizing experience. While I know this won’t be anything like major oral surgery, leaving me in the kind of pain that hydrocodone did little to quell, it still makes me a little nervous. After that experience, I remember talking to my dad on the phone about it, during which he told me he’d gone in for a deep cleaning — he’s been an avid tobacco user for 55+ years now — and that it had left him in pain so bad that he’ll never go back to the dentist. Not very helpful, although this is a person who has probably been to any kind of doctor as many times as I could count on one hand. Anyways, I’m trying to keep calm about it. If I need, I might take some Clonidine, and maybe if I ask real nicely, they’ll administer some nitrous oxide on top of novocaine. Gotta go put some coffee on and get things moving. Elle is cooking breakfast, after which we’ll shower and paint my nails, because I wanna go into this appointment looking like the pretty, pretty princess that I am.